A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience!' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Hamilton.' The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today!' The Kiwi said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one! Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for!' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64! What the hell did you sell him!' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me.a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4!' 'No, no, no. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said. 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
andrea_w,
Aug 27, 9:02pm
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby!'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him.
Sum Ting Wong
andrea_w,
Aug 27, 9:03pm
Not a joke but.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
andrea_w,
Aug 27, 9:03pm
Spelling trolls will have a field day ^^ there
guider1,
Aug 27, 9:08pm
Oh well, i'll move mine over to here. Deep in the bush in the outbacks of Australia there was a Koala sitting in a tree smoking a joint. A little lizard is walking by & smells the pot, looks up into the tree & yells "HEY, KOALA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" The Koala yells back "HEY THERE LITTLE LIZARD, I'M SMOKING A JOINT, IF YOU WANT SOME COME ON UP" So the little lizard climbs up the tree & smokes a couple of joints with the Koala. After the 2nd joint the little lizard says "Hey Koala, i've got the drys so i'm going down to the river for a drink" "Ok" says the Koala, "I'll stay here & chill for a while" So the little lizard climbs down the tree & cruises off to the river for a drink. When he gets there he leans over the bank but he slips & falls in. Lucky for him a crocodile see's him fall & swims to his rescue. The croc takes him back to the banks & says "Hey there little lizard, what happened!" The little lizard explains to the croc that him & Koala have been smoking pot & how he got the drys so came down to get a drink, but he was so stoned he lost his balance & fell in. Quite interested to see the state of Koala the croc wandered into the bush where he saw Koala up the tree. The croc stops & yells "HEY, KOALA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Koala looks down & says "FAAAAARK DUDE, HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK!!"
guider1,
Aug 27, 9:09pm
3 mice are sitting in a pub having a few beers & the conversation turns to how tough each of them are. The 1st mouse says "When I find a mouse trap I steal the cheese & eat it, then I bench press the trap 30 times & throw it across the room" The 2nd mouse says "Ahh ya poof, that's nothing. I get rait bait, crush it into a powder & snort it" The third mouse finishes his beer, gets up & walks to the door. The other mice say "Hey man, what's the story. where are you going!" The 3rd mouse replies "I'm going home to f**k the cat!"
andrea_w,
Aug 27, 9:24pm
lol they both gave me a cheap laugh
robbo36,
Aug 27, 9:50pm
God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven. The man says he'll try. God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on. "Not bad", says the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pulled her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and f**ked her from behind". "They don't like that in heaven" replies God. The man says, "They're not too f**ckin happy about it in Harvey Normans either!"
robbo36,
Aug 27, 9:57pm
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun. He shouts, "This is a raid, get on the floor!". He proceeds to empty the tills. As he runs to the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediatley shoots the customer in the head and shouts, "Did anyone else see my face!" After a short silence, a voice is heard from a far corner."I think my missus got a glimpse!".
whynot7,
Aug 27, 10:11pm
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks for!'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that!'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter . 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one!'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's hone harawira s clock!' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'
andrea_w,
Aug 27, 10:26pm
whynot7 - brilliant!
bopbargains,
Aug 28, 11:47am
aguy goes up to agirland says I was going to tellyou a story about my cock, but it's too long.the girl replies. that's funny, Iwas going to tellyou a story about my cunt, but you'll never getit.
jason18,
Aug 28, 12:42pm
Careful the narks will get ya!
kazbanz,
Aug 28, 2:17pm
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable!'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly. 'com-for-da-bul.'
kazbanz,
Aug 28, 2:18pm
In the not too distant future,
YouTube,Twitter &FaceBook
will merge to form one giant, idiotic, super,time-wasting website called
YOU TWIT FACE
kazbanz,
Aug 28, 2:19pm
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, What are you doing!
She answers, I'm moving to Melbourne . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
kazbanz,
Aug 28, 2:20pm
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did. and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now. show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
zak410,
Aug 28, 3:33pm
a good one from computing:
I once tried to use "my dick" as a password, but google told me it was too short. I feel so insulted!
biddy6,
Aug 28, 4:00pm
How times have changed eh! Little girl walking thru the park, when a scruffy old man in a long overcoat steps out from behind a bush. The old man says Hi would you like a lolly, and the little girl looks him up and down, and saysMaybe, but show me your dick first.
toot5,
Aug 28, 4:28pm
Caught up with a mate the other day and he said the was knocking off twins. i said "you the man" , how do you tell them apart. He said "thats easy Lisa has long black hair and Trevor has a dick
toot5,
Aug 28, 4:35pm
i had a german plumber in the other day. He accidently connected the gas supply to the shower.I guess old habits die hard.
bigfatmat1,
Aug 28, 4:43pm
I walked into a clock shop and flopped my cock out on the counter. The lady behind the counter said EXCUSE ME this is a clock shop not a cock shop I said I know I would like you to stick two hands and a face on this please.
bigfatmat1,
Aug 28, 4:45pm
what about when they merge with my space
MyFaceyoutwit
clothesline2011,
Aug 28, 6:19pm
I parked in a disabled space today and a parking officer shouted, "Hey, what's your disability!"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
brokebloke1,
Aug 28, 6:26pm
The wifes been missing for 3 days, yesterday the police came over and told me to expect the worst.! So I rushed back to the salvos and got all her clothes back.
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