Friday night jokes.

whatdoyou call a chicken that crossesthe road, rollsinthe dirt then crosses back acrossthe road again!.
a dirty double crosser.

Two Men were on a golf course when a funeral procession went passed. One man stopped mid swing, took off his hat and bowed his his head.The other guy says "wow, that's very considerate of you"To which the first guy replies "well, we were married 27 years"

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me ???What??

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16.
I went in to buy a pack of condoms at the Rexall Drug store.
In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of
item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working behind the counter. It was late and the pharmacist had already left.

Delores could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She

handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I answered honestly,

No, not really.

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and

slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and

secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all

around the store to see if it were empty. It was.

Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led
me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you!
she asked withoutembarrassment.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do

was stand there with my mouth gaping open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk. Well, come on, she said, We don't

have much time.

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that,

unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW! I was done within a few

moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put

that condom on correctly! she asked.

I said, Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me.

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down!It's your turn to say something.

Wiremu, a New Zealander, wason the dole in Australiabutabout to fly home
to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun??

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It??

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longer
during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do
it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What!"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing!"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me!"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean!" She says: "You must be new here; let me

explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you

called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a

firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me!" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean!" The Huge Man:

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked

receptionist: "May I help you!" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence! Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder! Nooo."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is! I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder! Nooo."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see! I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder! Nooo."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya f**k ONE goat . . . "

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first,but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following: -----

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
In this country.we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives."

Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta the sex!
I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!

Frank the Hen

Frank came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed."Who the hell are you" demanded Frank and what are you doing in my bedroom! The mysterious man answered.This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.Frank was stunned.You mean I'm dead.That can't be,I have so much to live for and I haven't said goodbye to my family.You've got to send me back straight away.St Peter replied,Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.Frank was devastated but knowing there was a farm not far from his house he asked to be sent back as a hen.A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.This ain't so bad he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here! It's not so bad replies Frank,but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.You're ovulating explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.Never replies Frank Well just relax and let it happen and so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him Ever.The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting Frank, wake up, you drunken bastard.You've shit the bed !

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son!" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

This got the whole of Sydney laughing.

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'!'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name! First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what!'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name! First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian!'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work!'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex!'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well.'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last!'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh! No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning!

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well.'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at!'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks.'

DJ: 'Uh huh.'

Brian: '.and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great! That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we!'

(Touch tones.ringing.)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere!'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours!'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
Give any.answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo. Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'!'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to!'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay! Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah!'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian.uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time!'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last!'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready!'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it!'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You didn't tell them that did you!'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah!'

Sarah: 'Well.'

DJ: Come on Sarah.where did you have it!

Sarah: 'Up the arse.'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.


Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

redneck mother comes home to see redneck son fingering his redneck sister. " You better come up with a dam good reason for that boy". Redneck son pulls out finger and says "i found dads wedding ring"

As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car,
winds down the window and says to her, "I'll give you a sweet if you'll
get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and says,
"I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets
if she will get into the car.
"No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into the Multipla!"

golem : Is that Mate Match post for real!! Bloody crack up if it is haha

(did anyone catch the huge 'whoopsee' on The Rock during the week - can't remember the name of the new segment but it was about bringing old bands back together - I, and many others laughed. except the callers lol)


I've heard that joke before, but using Ford/Holden. I think your version is much more fitting lol

Drunk man in a bar asks a young lady if she will have sex with him for $1000.
She thinks for a minute and thinks about what she could do with a thousand bucks and all she has to do is have a quickie with him, so she says "ok".
He then asks if she would screw him for $1.
"Of couse not " she replies, "What kind of girl do you think I am"!
"We've already established that' he says. Now we're just haggling over the price'

A man was in an accident (work accident, not car accident), so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope . . .

(Much as I would like to tell you that this story is absolutely true, in fact it is nearly a century old and very nearly the same version as appears here was in a joke book published in 1918.)

If you have a MySpace and a Facebook, be careful, one day you may find yourself saying "Come on, MyFace".

andrea_w . think it maybe for real. be a bit like this. ((only in Oz))
http://www.youtube.com/watch!v=FH0ja5mb-Mc

Why She Changed motels

Last week, she checked into a motel in
Bundaberg Queensland in a suite and was a bit
lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad
for a guy calling himself Tender Toby - a very handsome
man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places,
thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a
sixpence off his well oiled bum. You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you!" . . . Oh
my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she
rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it
hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and
heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now
how does that sound!"



He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you
need to press 9 for an outside line."

These are actual comments made by Police Officers.

The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. 'You know, lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

1. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear
them a while.'

1. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

2. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second!  Because that's the speed of the
bullet that'll be chasing you.'

3. 'You don't know how fast you were going!  I guess that means I can write anything
I want to on the ticket, huh!'

6. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help
. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift super-visor!'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning!  O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll
give you another ticket. '

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog!'

7. 'Fair!  You want me to be fair!  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on
rides, eat candy floss and hot dogs and step in sheep and cow shit.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a microwave oven.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had!'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write
as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you
know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS.

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets!  You're right, we don't.
Sign here.'