Stole this from general DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted curved aluminium panel which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE-BRUSH WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shlt. " ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. CIRCULAR SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes useful in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
differentthings,
Sep 1, 6:53am
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering large vehicles to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. FOUR-METRE LONG PINE 100mm x 100mm: Used for levering vehicles upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. BANDSAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the scrap bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TONNE ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 600mm screwdriver: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used to strip out pozidrive screw heads.
marte,
Sep 1, 10:56am
That should be "Phillips screwturner" not "Phillips screwdriver".
They 'turn' screws, not 'drive' screws.
A 'Screwdriver' is normally called a 'Hammer' .
bjmh,
Sep 1, 7:58pm
differentthings ha ha cheers for posting . love the jack handle. oh yer
socram,
Sep 1, 10:39pm
Brilliant! Now waits for the comedians' contributions.
FORK TYPE BALL JOINT SPLITTER: Cast iron device that uses a large bolt to break off the fork whilst leaving the ball joint untouched.
CHINESE DRILL BIT: Device that wanders away from the centre punched indentation, slides across whatever you are trying to drill, then when it does grip, either unwinds or bends.
PHILIPS & POZI SCREWS: Fastenings that refuse to be unscrewed, no matter what tip you use.
FIBREGLASS RESIN: Amazing liquid that won't stick to any smooth surface except when accidentally dripped on to a freshly painted panel.
SOLDERING IRON: Usually incapable of melting solder but when dropped, melts carpet and if grabbed to stop it falling, makes you wish that maybe wearing welding gloves wouldn't have been such a bad idea after all.
THE LAND OF ZOG: Hidden area in every workshop or garage that magnetically attracts all tools that are put aside for a few seconds whilst you are answering a call of nature.
saxman99,
Sep 2, 12:07am
DAMMIT TOOL: Any tool within arms reach which you can hurl across the workshop while shouting "Dammit!" It will disappear under the bench and will invariably be the next tool you need.
mm12345,
Sep 2, 1:10am
SET SQUARE: Useless device - used in renovation projects to show that the original builder never owned one - so neither should you.
MICROMETER: For proving that being a millimeter out can be far more significant than being a micron out.
RING SHANK NAIL: for use in temporary fastening - when final alignment is someone else's job.
ELECTRIC PLANER: Used to prove that old nails are actually worth $30 each.
BASTARD FILE: place to store complaints from unhappy customers.
READING GLASSES: Used in desperation to discover that the chinese guy who wrote the instruction manual couldn't speak any english at all.
BORROWED TOOL: Much like your own tools, but self-cleaning and more resistant to impact, weather, extreme heat, abrasion.
gmphil,
Sep 2, 1:28am
chocolate fish for this post lol
saxman99,
Sep 2, 1:46am
TROUBLE LAMP: The only tool in the shop which is accurately named. Supposed to be for illuminating dark areas, much better at transferring mains voltage to your pacemaker via your hand, or for setting that pile of sawdust on fire. Will consume 60W bulbs at roughly the same rate as Concorde uses fuel.
tintop,
Sep 2, 2:31am
saxman99 wrote: TROUBLE LAMP: The only tool in the shop which is accurately named. Supposed to be for illuminating dark areas, much better at transferring mains voltage to your pacemaker via your hand, or for setting that pile of sawdust on fire. Will consume 60W bulbs at roughly the same rate as Concorde uses fuel.[/quoote]
Solved that one! LED bulbs are so good!
socram,
Sep 2, 3:27am
SAFETY GLASSES - TINTED: Disguises totally where you are supposed to weld - until you have set fire to whatever was next to where you were trying to weld.
SAFETY GLASSES - CLEAR: Usually attached by elastic so weak that when you bend over to saw/plane/sand, they swing forwards and your eyes get showered with sawdust or fibreglass.
FOOTPUMP; Leg exercise machine that usually disintegrates when you are about 10lb/sq short of your target.
RETRACTABLE STEEL RULE: A measuring device that never fully retracts once used and is always in metric when you need imperial - and vice versa.
SYNTHETIC PAINT BRUSH: Usually used to turn a perfectly flat unpainted surface into a slightly corrugated one.
CHEAP GASLESS MiG WELDING UNIT: An item for proving that you do need gas for a decent weld. Also useful for testing the limits of your electrical system's trip switches.
SPIRIT LEVEL - see set square above #7.
PENCIL: Slim piece of hollow wood that disappears rapidly when you try to sharpen it.
STANLEY KNIFE: Something that holds and stores blunt blades which still manage to slice off the ends of your fingers.
mm12345,
Sep 2, 3:36am
SAFETY GLASSES - BIFOCAL: Precision optics with bifocal transition zone so deviously positioned you can't tell that the hammer is aimed directly at your thumb, but you do get to see the result in high definition.
bjmh,
Sep 2, 4:46am
ha ha don't forget testing the ignition point of waste oil . that has dripped on the glimmering 60 w bulb. also contrary to popular belief trouble lamps encased in a rubber shock material ,are not designed to fall off the hoist to the floor and still work.
Ahh, ya should thank me! I've saved everyone a whole heap of typing, cutting and pasting! ;-P
socram,
Sep 2, 8:10am
I thought mine up on my own!
edangus,
Sep 2, 9:06am
Brilliant!
upnorth,
Sep 2, 10:58am
SUPERGLUE - Chemical that sticks nothing together except finger skin.
morrisjvan,
Sep 2, 11:25am
FLAT-BLADE SCREWDRIVER: designed to remove paint tin lids, to stir the paint,and then invert and use the ''handle'' to hammer the lid back on. use also as a blunt chisel, or inadequate pry bar. may also be used to 'slogout 'screw slots to render them unusable. PHILIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER: the only one you can find when you need a pozidrive screwdriver POZIDRIVE SCREWDRIVER: the only one you can find when you need a phillips screwdriver. TOOLBOX : empty box surrounded by paint-splattered ,bent screwdrivers.
rctr,
Sep 2, 6:48pm
Plastic trim removal tool:bends in funny ways testing the breaking strength of plastic before finally snapping leaving trim where it was with a few scratches and stress marks
saxman99,
Sep 3, 12:04am
SECURITY TORX DRIVE: Strange device from an alien planet which will invariably be one size larger or smaller then the one you need. You will curse the w******** who designs a simple device which is held together with these pointless $#@$%^^&* things and will shortly be requiring use of the DAMMIT TOOL; see above.
saxman99,
Sep 3, 12:12am
PROPRIETARY FACTORY TOOL: A specialized tool for completing a particular task on a vehicle. Totally unnecessary, you cannot purchase these; they were invented to keep the dealer in business. But not to worry, for in your HAYNES WORKSHOP MANUAL (below) there are instructions for making your own tool.
HAYNES WORKSHOP MANUAL: A book with just enough information to enable you to F*** the job up all on your own. Also contains instructions on the the manufacturing of special tools. - . hahahahahaahahahah yeah right.
socram,
Sep 3, 1:20am
METRINCH SPANNERS/SOCKET: A system of proving that some metric and some imperial sized nuts are neither metric nor imperial.
BA SPANNERS: Another B A measurement system only ever found on valve radios, carburettors and anything designed and constructed by Wallace & Gromit - probably Gromit.
WHITWORTH SPANNERS: Similar to above but add UK built Raleigh bicycles and British motorbikes that leak oil all over the floor no matter how much gasket goo you use.
GASKET GOO: Tube of goo that emphasises 1 thou gaps and pinholes in mating surfaces, to spray hot oil onto hot exhaust pipes.
POR15: When splattered or dripped onto bare skin, despite rubber gloves, face mask and every care in the world, gives an instant leprosy look that probably lasts longer than the disease.
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